apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
