I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
