yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
