so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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