Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
