God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
