gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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