My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
