He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
