and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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