I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
