i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Life is so much better after having sex.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
