Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
