Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
