Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
