She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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