my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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