You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
