i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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