Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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