i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
