i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
