what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
