Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
