I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
