clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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