Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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