operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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