is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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