Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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