i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My dick has a subreddit
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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