You can't special order awesome
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
