Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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