Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
