YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
