Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i dont even know how to be here
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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