I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
