Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
