I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
