just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
