Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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