yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
