I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
