my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
