i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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