My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
