btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
