I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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