so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
