Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
