My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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